


"And what age are you then young lady ?"

by areeskimosreal



Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 18:45:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areeskimosreal/pseuds/areeskimosreal
Summary: Kayleigh has a petrol station mishap, again. But it's  John answering the questions.





	"And what age are you then young lady ?"

**Author's Note:**

> Just another little fun fanfic.

" Whaaat ?" He said cupping his ear .

" I said if you do that again Ian, I'll punch you out "

" Dunno what you mean Kayleigh love"

" Touching my arse,..don't say you didn't "

" Whaaat ?" The lecherous look on his face gave him away , it was deliberate just like she thought .

She turned back to dance with Cath, and yet again felt a man's hand on her butt, that dirty bugger just wouldn't take a telling, oh well .

She swung around with her clenched fist ready, only to be greeted by a grinning John .

" What's that for ?"  He looked at the fist.

She could hardly hear him over the music.

" Some dirty bugger was grabbing my arse, I thought it was him "

John shook his head, scanned around the room, saw his target and headed outside after him, Kayleigh trotting behind.

" Ian ?" John shouted.

" I were having a laugh Gloria, nowt meant by it "

" She ain't laughing "

" John come back in, I told Ian to stop " Kayleigh was trying to drag John back to the party.

" John pal I apologise okay, I shouldn't have, but I did , okay, ?, sorry Kayleigh love "

" Okay Ian it's done, okay John , John?"

" Okay it's done " Ian knew buy the glare John gave him it was far from done.

 

Soon the managers Halloween fancy dress party was over, John and Kayleigh were going to drop Cath off at hers before they went home, this years theme naughty and nice had thrown up quite a lot more naughty than nice. John had gone as the nice school master, with mortar board , black cloak and cane , Cath was a full blown St. Trinians naughty, all fishnets and cleavage , Kayleigh was the epitome of naughty schoolgirls,  John had picked her outfit , white shirt tied at the waist, tiny tartan skirt, white knee length socks, black stilettos, pigtails and black rimmed glasses, she put shorts under her skirt, to protect her decency.At one point during the party , John had found Kayleigh and Cath comparing cleavage, he would remember that for a while, oh yes quite a while indeed.

 

They dropped Cath off,

"  I still say mine are bigger" were her parting words, and headed home.

" I fancy a choc ice , how about you John, a choc ice and a wispa ?"

" No shops open late around here love"

" Petrol station is though "

" Good thinking Missus Redmond,  good thinking, I know the very place "

" So what did you say to Ian ?"

" You said not to talk to him "

" I know what I said, I asked what you said ?"

" Nowt "

" John when I married you, as well as a husband, I got a confidante, bestfriend, nursemaid and personal security, so what did you say ?"

" If he touched you again, I'd break his wrists " John shrugged.

" John ?"

He sheepishly looked at her.

" Thank you "

 

Five minutes later John pulled into the forecourt.

" If were going to Bill's on Monday I might as well fill up eh ?"

" Aye well get me two wispas, I'll fill up too"

" How you can eat like that and stay slim beats me, anyway what type of choc ice? "

" Large "

" No doubt " John said under his breath.

He filled the car with diesel, cursing his own stupidity when he realised he'd parked at the pay at the pump pump, but would have to go inside to pay for goodies anyway.

Kayleigh watched John fill up, and head into the service station,

" I fancy a cola, I'll nip in too " Kayleigh thought.

She unrolled her skirt, making it a bit longer,  she had already untied the shirt, and fastened another button or two, and pulled the socks up .

She took the keys out of the ignition and got out, as she got out she inadvertently caught the corner of her shirt in the door, as she walked away it almost ripped it off.

" Help " she shouted ." Help me " trying her best to cover her ample breasts

John luckily chose this moment to exit the building, neither he nor Kayleigh noticed the other car in the station.

Kayleigh looked over towards John.

" Hurry up help me, don't just stand there do something "

As John ran over, Kayleigh's struggling ended up with her ripping her shirt completely off, the suddenly released grip caused her to go into a stumbling run as she tried to keep her balance, luckily John was able to intercept her, he took the cloak off and wrapped it around her as he caught her. And with her wrapped up walked back to the car.

" Its jammed in the lock John , I can't get it open "

" Get in the back, I'll fix it in the daylight "

" I don't want to get in the back, not without you anyway" she winked her hilarious wink and grinned.

" Just get in " John opened the door and bundled a chuckling Kayleigh into the back of the car.

She collapsed in the back seat laughing, John flung the trailing end of the cloak in beside her.

" You're a bloody liability lady " John said laughing from the front seat, Kayleigh couldn't answer she was curled up laughing.

"Here "

" Oh lovely"  Kayleigh licked her lips as John handed her ,her favourite flavoured Magnum, and a duo wispa. She sat up and pulled the cloak around her.

" Glad you had a big bra on there love eh ?"

" Not half, that must have been epic on CCTV."

" What were you doing ?"

" I fancied a cola"

" You should have just phoned "

" Bugger, I never thought of that "

They carried on their journey, Forever FM late night love songs playing in the background, enjoying the music, the company , life.

" Must be something big on "

" Eh !, what did you say John ?"

" There's three or four cop cars behind us, blues and twos, wonder where they're going?"

Kayleigh turned around to see.

" Wonder "

Suddenly one of the police cars was in front of John,  one behind and one alongside.

" What the fu………?"

" John what's happening, what's going on ?"

" I don't know do I ?"

" Were you speeding ?"  

The car in front illuminated a PULL OVER sign on it's back parcel shelf, as it was also braking, John had no option, he pulled up.

" Get out of the car please sir " an officer bluntly said.  

" But what ……..?"

" Now please sir .." the officer opened John's door and pulled him out by the arm, and took him towards the front vehicle.

A policewoman stuck her head in the car and shone a bright light in Kayleigh's face, only the top half being visible, the cloak being wrapped around her,

" It's okay honey , you're okay you're safe now , what age are you then young lady? "

" I'm thirty eight and what are you doing with my husband ?"

" Husband ?"

" Yes "

" Oh "

" And your name is sir ?" The officer in the police car passenger seat asked turning around.

" Redmond, John Redmond, look buddy what's this about eh ?"

" And the girl in the car, how do you know her ?" The driver asked.

" Kayleigh?"

" That's her name is it ?"

“Yes it is “

“ And does Kayleigh have a surname, Mister Redmond ?”

" Aye, Kayleigh Redmond , she's my wife "

" Wife ?" The driver seemed surprised.

" How old is she then ?"

" Thirty eight "

" Oh "

" Oh what ?" John asked sitting forward in his seat.

 

Kayleigh looked across at John,  he had a face like thunder, staring straight ahead, he turned around quickly to look at her, she hid her smile just in time. The drive seemed to be taking forever.

Suddenly Kayleigh snorted out a chuckle, and put her hand to her mouth to cover it, John snapped his head around,

" Sorry love " she patted his hand, and bit her lip, John broke into a smile and shook his head.

" I still can't believe it, of all the ….."

" Just unlucky John, unlucky "

" Oh you think ?"

Kayleigh started laughing out loud again,

" That poor policewoman , the look on her face"

" Nevermind poor bloody policewoman , what about poor bloody husband ? " he thought for a minute then chuckled.

" Is funny now isn't it ?"

" Aye Kayleigh it is now , was bloody frightening then though "

" She seriously thought I was a teenager, so did the people who made the report"

" Bloody nosey bast…….."

" They thought they were doing good, trying to help "

" What was it, a creepy fat middle aged man, forcing a schoolgirl into his car, she was shouting for help, so he bundled her in the back ?"

" Uh huh " Kayleigh replied .

" I mean creepy, bloody creepy "

" You don't mind the fat middle aged bit then ?"

" That's what I am love, but creepy, cheeky bastards "

Every now and again during the rest of the journey home Kayleigh would giggle.

They soon pulled up in their drive.

Mandy, tonight's babysitter had seen them arrive, she opened the door for them.

" What in the hell ?" She said to no one in particular as Kayleigh minus shirt, but with a cloak around her, came into the house giggling, a giggling John following behind.

" Perhaps I'll regret asking you this, but, what the hell have you two been up to? "

" I'll just go get changed and look in on junior, stick the kettle on Mand, i'll tell you in a minute eh !”  

Mandy made three teas, when she looked at John he smiled .

" What's funny ?"

" She'll tell you, knocks the dogging story into a cocked hat mind you "

Kayleigh having put on her dressing gown and checked on her baby daughter came into the kitchen,  looked at John and burst out laughing.

" Tell me " Mandy said with urgency.

Kayleigh related the story,

" ……………… so the old couple thought they saw, what was a schoolgirl in her bra, shouting for help, trying to run away from ….? "

She looked at John,

" ………….a creepy fat middle aged man, who wrapped her in a blanket and threw her in his car "

Mandy was in hysterics, wiping her eyes.

" Creepy " she repeated.

" Alright Mandy, enough eh?" John was grinning too.

" They made a note of me registration, next thing we know we're on crimewatch "

" Creepy " Mandy said again.

" Alright alright " John was finding it hard to be stern.

A babies cry from upstairs drew their attention,

" I'll go get her, feeding time I guess" Kayleigh said looking at her watch.

She kissed Mandy goodbye and headed upstairs.

John walked Mandy to the door,

" Bye love " he waved as she got in the Citroen and drove off.

As he locked up he happened to glance in the mirror, his lips were covered in Kayleigh's lipstick, his fake moustache was hanging off, and he was still wearing his mortar board ,

He smiled at his reflection, they were right, he did look creepy.

"Redmond " Kayleigh shouted from upstairs,  " get up here or you're on detention"

Chuckling he headed upstairs.


End file.
